Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A few minutes of fun!

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a screwed up language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its oxymoron's, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig, but they do whine like
Italians.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?


Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have
a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Here I sit, and there I sat. Here I shit and there I... shat?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite
a few are alike? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things
only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or
strapful gown? Or maybe met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or
peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or
who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, much like I can tear your sister
up while she goes down. In which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible. However, when
the lights are out (or you're unconscious), they are invisible.

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I
end it.

5 comments:

Steve Martin said...

Good stuff! Very amusing!

Thanks, Wayne!

Wayne Dawg said...

Just having a little fun........

One thing I can't figure out about blogger though is when I copy and paste stuff.

The published result never ends up looking like as it does right before I push the go button??

Oh well -

Joseph A. said...

Pretty humorous. English truly is wacky.

Aw, I thought this was original for a sec, tee hee.

Craig said...

funny stuff, thanks

ExPatMatt said...

I really enjoyed this, Wayne. I feel sorry for all those people learning English as a second language and wondering why? all the time!